How much sex is too much before you’re married?

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Does this sound familiar? “Girl how did you hook such a good man like he?” “Girl, among other things I make his toes curl (Lol)!”

What does that mean to you? And is that the “hook”?

I have heard this explanation from a woman that claimed she and her short-term boyfriend where discussing (no ring to show) marriage. Although I had my ideas of what she meant by that, I wondered if that is what really convinces someone (man or woman) if this person meets their “perfect match” criteria. I definitely would have liked to ask her what she felt happened after he abruptly called off their relationship and she was crying to me about wanting to wait for him outside of his job in hopes to force him to give her some sort of explanation.

Having been engaged a couple of times by that stage in my adult development, I questioned what she meant by that explanation out of ignorance. I had been warned not to give too much away.  That  some sex acts were for my husband. Not because I was raised to be a prude, but my life up until that point, was filled with sexual confusion so as a young adult and mother, it was my way of gaining some control over men. Yet I understood that all women and men were not seeking the same things in a mate.

Today the trending lifestyle for some single ladies is to abstain from sex until they are somewhat securely in a relationship that is headed in the direction of a life-long commitment and/or marriage. There are tons of self-help books encouraging women how long to wait. For example, at least for 90-days according to Steve Harvey’s “Act like a lady, think like a man.

Since the book’s success, there seems to have been a wave of other authors (including myself, see the link below); and websites devoted to empowering single woman to be respectful ladies ratherHow much sex is too much before you’re married? than the commonly used labels of B’s, either for B*%ch or Bird.

But does waiting or abstaining equate to respect or even further –marriage?  I have heard a few men admit that they would rather have a girl give into her sexual attraction for him soon after they meet so that they can begin to develop a relationship. They contend that sleeping with them sooner rather than later, even on the first day, doesn’t mean that they don’t respect her. These men were also not married and prefer to engage in random sexual acts that satisfies their appetites. And then later complain that these same women are possessive and jealous. So then does this mean that this perception of being “easy” nurtured only in the women’s’ mind?

Still there are countless songs written by men that reveal little to no respect for women.  Referring to them as Bs for their anything goes approach to sexual interactions.

Still there are some women (and a few men) that have decided that they’ve had enough meaningless sex. Or to clarify, the kind of  sex that clouds  better judgment, which had they looked clearly before rolling in the sheets; they may have realized that there really wasn’t a future with that person, is enough. This type of epiphany has been showing up all over media. #The Game declares he’s done with the “games” and fast women. And the newly married #Tyrese responded to some women “men bashing” with some harsh male truth on being “manufactured clowns” versus #TeamTakeMeAsIAm.

On the other hand, many  women today also believe that they can “act like a man” and have sex  without a true connection for as long as they like until they are ready to “slow down.” Can they really? Let #Angela Yee of #The Breakfast Club advise you and she will have you convinced that women aren’t the more emotionally connected to life sex so she repeats that it’s just “sex” enough times to ignore the fact that they have ONLY been having “sex” with one or more particular partners for nearly a year now BUT they wish one of them was more romantic. Really!

At some point in most adults’ life, they are tired of the same ole and need something more or at the least something else.   So if you are ready to stop giving it away to meaningless connections  and want to know how to grab some inches of substance before opening the flood gates, here are three tangible things you can do:

  1. Stop Dating for a while. What? Yes. Like #KendrickLamar new song says, “Sit down and Be humble.!” Cool off and gain control over your impulses and emotions so you stop jumping in feet first. Time to use your head first to figure out even if you like this new person for something other than “that thing.”
  2. When you have control, start with holding hands and sharing common interest.. Spend a lot of time with just the two of you. Watching Netflix, eating out, taking walks, and doing a lot of in person talks. Live is so much more intimate than a recording, right? Texting and phone conversations can be misconstrued and deceiving. Spending more time alone and in person builds a connection for your common interest. Slowly add people into the mix to keep you honest. Nothing brings the real you out better than folk you grew up with because they will call you out. But keep tight for a bit longer.
  3. If by now you two aren’t speaking French, “qui” and making plans to create something like vacations, holidays, meeting children, or some kind of team building projects, this probably is the one you will regret sleeping with later. If you are then consummating the union either at this point or later will hopefully leave you with a meaningful experience.

I am not saying that people should be out here declaring virginity again, because I cannot unlearn what I know. More importantly, I wouldn’t want to. But knowing that I was the one who receives a personal treasure from my husband would satisfy my number one need of believing that no one is more special in his life than me.

If this article gave you the confidence to find your match, try Singles Warehouse today!

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CHARLOTTE JOHNSON began her public relations practice, Newbian Blonde Agency in the midst of the Hip Hop explosion era of the 1990s as an entertainment writer and publicist. Over the past 20 years Charlotte has served as college English Instructon, literacy teacher, tutor, curriculum developer, instructional designer, community activist, and qualified mental health professional recently turned author and life coach.

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