I have dated a Jedi. Seriously. And that makes me a good candidate for helping Star Wars fans.
Yep, I have dated the lovely Nalini Krishan, who played Barriss Offee in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. She is still a dear friend of mine. That just goes to show that you can stay in touch with people you have dated. But that’s another article. So here are…
Top 10 dating tips for Star Wars fans
1. Be smoooove like Billy Dee Williams. Lando Calrissian, for good or bad, he was always cool, calm, and sexy. Han may have the rough edged bad boy thing down, but I guarantee, if he wasn’t around, Princess Leia would have popped open more than just a cold can of Colt 45 with that rascally vagabond.
2. Don’t date your sibling. Seriously, in all the universe, Luke had to kiss HER?!? Ew, ew, and double EEEWWWW! Thanks to our earthbound yet awesome “Star Wars-ian” internet, we can do a little digging before we get too hot and heavy. Don’t be afraid to Google your intended and sidestep any familial tongue wrestling.
3. Ewok up your joint. Ladies love soft cuddly plushy things. If your bachelor pad is nothing but empty beer cans and sticky adult themed comic books, you are not setting forth an inviting smuggler’s den. Add some tasteful pillows, a soft blanket or two, and even a life sized Chewbacca can fill the void. You may be a hard man, but don’t be afraid to show her your softer side.
4. Never name your junk, “Darth”-anything. Sidius, Maul, Vader, nothing. All that will do is scare your intended away, for fear of contracting a galactic STD, like Sarlaac-a-gina, Dagohbahlls, or Womp Rat Crotch.
5. Don’t be like the prequels. If you are big on flashy effects, but short on heart and substance, you have work to do on yourself. If you don’t have JJ Abrams to help you reboot, start looking inward and begin your inner Jedi training to become a better person. Or in the end, you will just be a lonely Jar Jar Binks singing “Meesa Horny” as you trip over a wine cork, fall off a balcony, and somehow cut power to half the city. Dumbass.
6. Get good with both hands. If Star Wars has taught us anything, it is to be prepared (and that Stormtroopers can’t hit shit). If you are good with your hands, you will be in a good place in the unlikely event of a light saber malfunction. Even if your dickhead daddy cuts off one, you can still take care of business.
7. Play dress up. If your significant other is into it, there’s no reason you can’t enjoy a little Cosplay in the bedroom. Be sure to clear it with your date beforehand, otherwise, when you both show up as sexy slave Leia. Awkward.
8. Your Jedi mind trick, will not work. No matter how much you believe in the force, you will not make your date do anything with the power of your mind. Once you train, learn some sexy skills, and believe in yourself, you can have Jedi level confidence. Then, you will not need mind tricks at all.
9. Han shot first! But, fellas, you shouldn’t! Repeat this mantra, “Ladies come first,” and live by this code. Do it in all facets of life and it will increase your attractiveness by leaps and bounds. If you do; you will be rewarded just like the “good bad boy” you, and Han, are.
10. Do or do not, there is no try. If Yoda can be a badass Jedi master at all of his 2-foot nothin, then what is keeping you from taking a shot at love? If anything is going to happen in life, you must make it so. Summon your inner Jedi, get out there and take a shot. The only true failure is the failure to never attempt.