It’s an age-old question, really. One that frustrates both sexes…Why do women like assholes?
In the past year, I’ve had four friends start dating great guys. I mean, the type of guy that you want to see your friends end up with. All four of my friends had the same initial trepidation: “He’s just so nice.” This wasn’t a complaint, but more…confusion. And when this confusion sets in, it begins a series of “Am I Crazy” questioning for being suspicious when a guy brings flowers or gives a sincere compliment. Or even just plans and follows through on a date.
A woman isn’t crazy for questioning a guy’s motives when he’s super nice. And while I don’t think that women, deep down, want a jerk who’s going to treat them like an iPhone3, there are definitely valid reasons for the hesitation when Nice Guy comes along.
Do women like assholes? I’d really like to believe no. But… Here Are 3 Reasons Why Nice Guys Scare the Shit Out of Us…
If It’s Too Good To Be True…
We’ve all been out with Show Guy…who pulls out your chair, takes your coat, walks on the outside of the street–and does all of these chilvalrous actions with anything but discretion. Look at what a gentleman I am by paying for your dinner and walking you to your door and linking you on my arm. Let’s just make sure that every stranger in a 35-foot radius and social media outlet is aware.
There’s doing nice things for a person, and then there’s doing nice things for an audience. Show Guy wants everyone to know that he picked up the tab, that he belongs to a volunteer organization, that he rescued a cat from a tree (which he most likely put there just so he could save it and then post it on Instagram). Show Guy is tiresome. Because when you get home, and it’s just the two of you, there’s no one to entertain anymore.
If a woman has dated someone like this, she certainly isn’t going to be fooled twice. So she’s on the lookout. Making sure Nice Guy isn’t masquerading as Show Guy.
Women Don’t Believe They Deserve Any Better
I feel like I see this a lot and on a very subconscious level. A woman is so used to being the giver in a relationship that when she meets a guy who reciprocates, she doesn’t know how to accept it. It’s like when Britney Spears shaved her head and we all just stood around CNN watching. (Well, not really, but remember that??) What scares me the most about this fear of reciprocation (A.K.A. an equal relationship) is that it suggests women don’t feel they deserve to be receivers. That at the root of this discomfort is some low level of self-worth that allows women feel inept or undeserving.
Recently I read an article on ThoughtCatalog, discussing how easy it is to fall into the trap of forgetting what it means to be thoughtfully loved. It’s scary how often these articles surface, how often women need to be reminded that our feelings are valid, our thoughts important, and that our relationships–both platonic and romantic–should reflect this.
Been There, Done That
Whether your dating experience is comparable to Kim K or Allie from “The Notebook,” we all have preconceived notions based on previous experience. And if we’ve ever had someone start off as Nice Guy and flip to Holy Batman Who the Eff Is Stealing My Deodorant?, then we’re bound to date with a bit a trepidation. It doesn’t make us effed up. It makes us cautious.
That doesn’t mean that self-sabotage isn’t possible. I’ve seen women walk away from perfectly great guys because, “He wasn’t my type,” or “He was just too nice,” when in reality she was just too afraid of history’s repetition.
It’s pretty liberating–and, yes, sometimes nerve-racking–when we realize that we are in control. And sometimes we take this control and decide we’re not going to wait to be disappointed. Sometimes we decide to see what happens, and we still end up being disappointed. But, I’ve heard, sometimes we decide to enjoy it the best we can and eventually find a person to walk alongside us.