Get Over Yourself! By @DontKillYourDat

get over yourself
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get over yourselfI was recently asked for advice from one of my readers for a certain situation that I think happens far too often in dating circles.  He let his feelings get in the way of reality.  Just because you feel a certain way or see a situation in one way, does not mean that your intended object of affection feels or sees the situation similarly.  And this goes double for online dating.  When you are communicating face to face, you can see all the things that aren’t being vocally shared; the body language, the sarcasm, the subtext in the way messages are being delivered, but online, in text, emails, etc. you do not have the luxury of full disclosure.

That leaves a LOT of room for misunderstandings.  It also gives you far more leeway to imagine what the other person may or may not be thinking.  Our minds can get carried away with the wondrous thoughts of someone to whom we are very attracted.  We know how we feel about them, and what if they feel the same way?  Wow.  How amazing could that be?  We daydream of holding and kissing this person, getting all kinds of naughty, maybe even robbing banks together.  Okay, maybe that’s just me – but the bottom line is, it’s all in our heads!  It is not reality!

When we build up all these possibilities based on what we wish were true, we are in for a rude awakening when we find out that this person doesn’t even know our name.  And why should they? They met you (maybe) once, and then there were some flirty texts, maybe sexy phone messages back and forth, but nothing concrete.  In your mind, there has been a lot going on, but in their mind, you did not particularly stand out.  Maybe they have a busy life, maybe they met another person right after you, who swept them off their feet.  Maybe you just didn’t step up and make a move.  Maybe maybe maybe.  Whatever it is, makes no difference.  They are living their life and you are not in it.  So, if you thought you had a great interaction you may be right, but something happened that led them down a different path.  You have every right to be a little saddened at a possibility missed, with someone that you thought had potential, but you have ZERO right to hold them accountable in any way.  They did nothing wrong.  You created it all in your own head.

Now it is time to…

bookstore150Get Over Yourself!

We have all had instances in our dating lives where someone just falls off the planet and we never hear from them again.  What the heck happened?  Was it me?  Was it them?  Are they on a slow boat to China hog-tied to an anvil in the cargo hold?  Who knows?!  The point is, it is no longer your concern.  Unless, of course, you are in a committed relationship; hunt down that ship!  But this is not about committed relationships!  In the early stages of our dating lives, people do what they do, based on their own selfish interests.  Not to say that is a negative thing, we should all do what is best for ourselves.  The better we are, the better we can be to others.  We are all searching for our own happiness and when your happiness is aligned perfectly with another person’s, you have a great relationship and a strong path to follow.

But when you are the only one feeling the love, that is YOUR problem!  You cannot let your imagination and the feelings which you project onto someone else wreck your emotional well being.  You must take responsibility for your own reality.  People come and people go in our lives and some were never actually there, but in our minds, they played a big part.  In their minds, we were little more than someone they met, maybe even went out on a few dates with, and that’s about it.  There is nothing wrong with that.

People Can And Will Hurt You, But Only If You Let Them.

Most of our personal pain stems from how we perceive how others treat us.  The good news is that you are in charge of you.  Perceive differently!  You CAN control your feelings.  It’s time for you to step up and take ownership of your emotional rollercoaster and slow it down.  Stop projecting your desires on other people.  They either like you or they don’t.  If they don’t, wish them well on their journey with nothing but love in your heart and the hope that they find what they are looking for.  They are searching for love, just like you!

[quote align=”right” color=”#999999″]Most of our personal pain stems from how we perceive how others treat us…Don’t let your imagination ruin your dating life.[/quote] Think about the times that you have not felt for someone who was attracted to you.  You may have treated them poorly without meaning to, or what if you lost their number, met another person, or you were the one who got Shanghaied?  In any case, are you now in charge of their level of heartbreak?  No, you are not.  You are not in a committed relationship, you may have never even been on a proper date!  So what responsibility do you have to these people and their fantasies?  None.  So why should they feel guilty when the tables are turned and it’s your turn in the hot seat?

Don’t let your imagination ruin your dating life.  We all want that amazing person in our life.  We all hope that when we feel that certain spark, the other person will feel it too.  If the other person doesn’t feel it, wish them well, and move on.  There are many other people out there to meet, many other adventures to be had, and when you get in control of your own emotions and stop the daydreaming, you will have more time to focus on the source of your real true happiness, what’s inside of you.   That is a very attractive thing indeed.

Go On, Be Strong.



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The “Dating Sage,” Spike Spencer, is an internationally known public speaker, actor, voice over talent, and a Foodie of the first magnitude. He is also a self-published author, with thousands of books sold. For the past 6 years, Spike has been speaking in his humorous “Don’t Kill Your Date (and Other Cooking Tips)” panel at conventions around the world. Thousands have enjoyed his talks about dating, relationships, and “being a man,” using cooking, adventure, and self improvement as his mediums. At some of these appearances, Spike actually cooks for the crowd. Spike is currently in production on the TV pilot of his "Don't Kill Your Date (and Other Cooking Tips)" cooking/dating talk show, and writing the companion book, of the same title. The DKYD concept derives from a very real desire to help guys become better MEN, spurred by Spike’s own personal story of divorce tragedy, bankruptcy, love lost, and re-emergence into the dating world. Through Spike’s “field research” - dating triumphs and tragedies, crazy experiences, PUA studies, and learning to really listen to women and build a strong successful relationship- Spike is the straight guy women can count on to help them translate their needs to their men. Spike uses cooking, a very real and popular way to expand a man’s arsenal of desirable traits, to help men attract the woman of their dreams, just like Spike has done!

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