One of my younger female friends reminds me a lot of myself before I came into my sexual confidence. Despite having the slim and fit build and striking looks envied by many women and admired by many men, her insecurity about having smaller breasts not only feeds her jealousy of her loving boyfriend’s perceived attraction to other, curvier women, but also interferes with her ability to fully accept his open adoration (and wild lust) for her physical self. A conversation we had one day inspired these six steps to claim your sensual confidence.
1. Learning to Embrace All of You
One day, in the midst of her venting about how her beau loves to caress and kiss her breasts, which she hates due to disliking them, herself, I stopped her cold. “Look at it from his perspective. Do you see how he might take your reaction as a rejection of one aspect of his expression of love?”
From a purely physical perspective, there might be things about your partner that might be nice—bigger boobs, six-pack abs, longer hair or plumper lips. Likewise, there might be things about yourself that you’d change in an ideal world. Yet when you find yourself truly loving another person, your heart is not keeping a running tab about which parts of your partner “pass” or “fail.” I’ve been surprised more than once by a romantic partner finding the very features I least appreciate are the very features he loves the most. Don’t question it—relish it!
My friend’s boyfriend worships the ground she walks on. He wants her more than he’s wanted any other woman in his life. Part of embracing your sensuality is having the openness to embrace the adoration and trusting the expression of love of another when genuinely and respectfully given.
2. Take a Good, Honest Look at Yourself
We’ve all got something special about the way we look. We may be blind to those features when we’re flooded with our insecurities, but we can practice turning off the inner critic. Every day, look in the mirror and find something you can appreciate in the reflection. It may be your strong arms, your long neck, your curly hair, your muscular butt, your twinkling eyes or your smile. Don’t stop looking at that mirror until you can find something you can acknowledge to yourself out loud. If you’re still having trouble, ask someone who loves you to list some of your best traits. Then ask a few more friends for good measure. Claim it! Now, when you go out in public, have confidence that the right others will appreciate those parts of you too.
3. Accentuate the Positive
As the popular oldies song goes:
You gotta accent-thu-ate the positive,
E-lim-inate the negative,
An’ latch on
To the affirmative
Go on and apply the extra shiny lip-gloss to make your luscious lips pop. Highlight your sparkling or smoldering eyes with dramatic eyeliner and mascara. Match your blue-green eyes with blue or green shirts. Draw attention to your slimness with cinched waistlines, or your long, toned legs with short skirts, or your bust with lower necklines. Run your hands through your gorgeous, lush hair. Knock him or her over with your dazzling smile. Don’t be afraid to let yourself shine.
4. Let’s Get Physical!
No, I’m not talking about tangling in the sheets here. A big part of developing your sensuality is getting a good sense of your body in general, both from a tactile perspective and how it feels in motion. Become more intimate and connected to your body through movement and touch, with yoga, getting a massage, or wearing clothes that make you feel playful, free and sexy—complementing your figure.
I can’t emphasize enough how important movement and physical activity is to discovering your sensual self. You may be asking, how can lifting weights or running help me sensually? For one, exercise literally affects your sexual hormones; exercise induces the release of the “feel-good” endorphins, which stimulates the release of sexual hormones. Hence, exercise makes you feel sexy, right? Exercise also allows you to feel more confident in the physical flow of your own body, becoming more in touch with the motion and rhythms that feel most natural and give you strength and balance.
5. Now, Let’s Really Get Physical
If you don’t know what pleases you—what you like and don’t like sexually—how can you expect your lover to know? So take the time to get in touch with what pleases you. Are you a more visual, cerebral or tactile person? Fantasize—read erotica or watch adult films for inspiration. Experiment with your touch to discover how you prefer the pace, pressure and intensity. Test out your toys. Flirting and the art of seduction are also great tools to give you greater confidence in sensual play.
6. To Love Thyself Is To Know Thyself
And vice versa is also true. And knowing and loving thyself makes it so much easier for others to know and love you too! There is nothing more sensual than a person who is exceptionally comfortable in their own skin, recognizes their own strengths and talents, who knows what they like, and goes after (attracts) what he or she wants from life and from you.
Click here for more of my tips on how to overcome sexual and sensual shyness!