“So, what happened with that guy?” he asked.
“It just didn’t work out. He was a really nice guy, but there wasn’t any…spark,” I replied.
I provided similar explanations about the other guys I’d dated since he and I were together. As we ate, I couldn’t help but remember how amazing sex had been with him.
He’d always surprised me. Willing to ignite things in unexpected situations, like mid-party or mid-afternoon or well…anytime. Even after dating for a long time, he’d always made me feel wanted.
At first, the other boyfriends had been exciting too. The rush of new territory. New bodies, sounds and reactions. But after awhile, with the rest of them, sex became a pattern. A process. Same time of day. Same positions. Same reactions. Same results.
The thing is, I never really questioned it. I knew I would have liked more sex. I knew I would have liked to have felt more desired. I knew I would have liked it if they had tried a little harder to please me. But I didn’t do much about it.
Sure, I mentioned to one that I’d like to kiss more. And with another, I ooo’ed and ahh’d over what I liked and gently redirected what I didn’t like. But when I didn’t get any improvement, I didn’t talk about sex. I figured everything else was good. The guys I dated were kind and fun and I enjoyed being with them. So what if the sex was just so-so?
In hindsight, the sex being so-so was huge – an indicator of so many other things that were wrong. Blah sex within the first year of dating someone can only be an indicator of a blah life, should you chose to spend it together. And the fact that my exes were okay with disappointing me in the bedroom, or anywhere for that matter, was not okay.
One of them even admitted it.
“For what?” I asked.
“For being a bit of a lazy lover.” He said.
I was stunned. Sex for me and that ex had always been quick and all about him. I don’t think he’d ever worked at trying to give me an orgasm. But at the time, I couldn’t tell if he was being lazy or if he just didn’t know better.
Now I know. They know better.
So, the lesson is, if you’re involved with someone and everything seems great but the sex, talk about sex. Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, but if someone really cares about you, they’ll want to make you feel good.
The key is to express yourself and your needs and see how your partner does or doesn’t deal with it.
That may just tell you all you need to know.