Once upon a time there was a beautiful tattooed maiden named Angelina and a fantastically gorgeous Midwestern married prince named Brad. They were both at places in their lives where they felt not quite fulfilled. Something was missing. A viable bed mate, a seasoned travel companion, a worthy life partner perhaps. But where to meet such a fine specimen? The library, grocery store and local bars were just not producing quality options. So they both turned to online dating in hopes of finding their soul mates. What if Brad and Angelina met online? How would that go down?
(This because of the whole married thing. Poor, poor Jennifer)
Screen name – TylerDurden
Headline – The first rule of SugarDaddie: don’t talk about SugarDaddie
Essay – Artistic type with Midwestern values, currently looking to add some excitement to my life. Love acting, design, playing guitar and long walks on the beach. Hoping to mix it up, try new things, and explore unchartered terrain. My ideal match is one who pushes the envelope on social norms, likes to show some leg every now and then, and is understanding of my every changing facial hair. She will be worldly, compassionate and have a bit of an edge. Someday I hope to have children, visit Africa and maybe even live in the south of France. Are you the one?
Screen name – Tomb Raider
Headline – I am what I am, don’t judge
Essay – I generally move to the beat of my own drum. I am fascinated by death and quite enjoy wearing blood as jewelry. I am not afraid of pain, as evidenced by my numerous tattoos. But don’t get me wrong, I’m very loving and family oriented. I am currently collecting/adopting children from all around the world, am passionate about helping those in need and would love to find a guy who reminds me of my brother. My ideal mate would join me in embracing a nomad lifestyle, growing our hair long and practicing in the art of procreation. Who’s with me?
The Result: Brad and Angelina Met Online
Clearly Brad is going to be the one to message Angelina. I mean, look at her! Plus, how can you not be intrigued by the whole blood as jewelry thing? And to put the words “long hair” and “procreation” in the same sentence really conjures up some fun imagery. I’m in! Oh wait, I’m a woman, and I’m straight. OK, I digress. Brad will send her a message, tell her about his heroic volunteer efforts in New Orleans, send a photo like this and she’s hooked. They lived happily ever after.
The Moral of the Story
So… maybe the stars, as Us Magazine purports, they’re not quite just like us. They have a leg up (pun intended). It’s like throwing two rainbow fish into a sea of blobfish. Doesn’t quite make life in the ocean seem fair, does it? But I suppose life just isn’t always fair. Oh well. Whether or not Brad and Angelina met online, they were destined to be together. As far as Martha Stewart goes, who really wants to date her anyway? I mean, she’s probably a good cook and all, but can you imagine the cleanliness and towel folding rules in her house? Not to mention the habits she may have picked up in prison! No thank you. In the end, we are all strange fish swimming in similar oceans, some stranger than others, and some oceans with a few more pollutants, but fish in water just the same. The universe will enroll each of us into our appropriate schools, I have faith. So should you.