Defensive Facebooking. That’s what I called it after my ex and I broke up, and I’d have my friends post pictures our fabulous night in which I was looking fabulous, at a fabulous bar, surrounded by fabulous men. Then I’d cross my fingers that he’d see it and hope to get 187 million likes. In my mind I was getting revenge, but staying classy. Not a break up crazy at all.
It’s not something I’m particularly proud of.
But I know I’m not alone in such passive aggressive ex revenge. After a friend’s break up, I’ll notice an influx of beautiful photos or random, empowering song lyrics posted on her wall. We all know the goal. That he sees it, realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life, and shows up with flowers, wine, and Ryan Gosling abs.
We all respond to break ups in different ways. It’s just knowing where to draw that line between kinda break up crazy and oh-dear-god-hide-the-gasoline crazy.
Is Break Up Crazy Therapeutic?
While I’ve had my own break up crazy incidents that I definitely won’t admit on the Internet, this time around I at least one made landmark improvement. I stopped myself from self destructive reactions, which can be such a setback in moving on. In the past six months since we’ve broken up, I haven’t reached out to my ex at all. And it’s certainly not out of pride. (I left that in college.) It’s out of self-preservation. I’ve come very close to hitting the send button to call him. But then I’d ask myself, “How would this benefit me? He is still the same person. And he’s probably going to hurt me again, even in a ten minute phone call.” Then I’d go pour myself a glass of wine. And maybe or maybe not cry.
Then a month ago, a break-up miracle occurred. I was out at a fabulous bar with my fabulous friends, looking fabulous, when I stopped and realized I didn’t have the urge to document the moment and immediately post it to four different social media outlets. I was actually having a good time again. I had moved on, even if it was only a little bit. I immediately did a shot of tequila to celebrate.
As pathetic as I feel when I look back at my defensive Facebooking or Instagram stalking, I now realize that it was all a part of my healing process. And what healing process is pretty? I mean, just look at Kristen Stewart.
It’s all about balancing the break up crazy that ensues by: 1. making sure that our crazy isn’t only causing ourselves a setback, and 2. trying not to judge ourselves too harshly when we look back and wonder why we took an alternative route to work for three weeks in hopes of “bumping” into him.
Most importantly, we must remember to celebrate even the small victories when we start to move on. Jose can give you a hand with that.