Dear Coach Steph,
I was dating this guy for 6 months, and everything was going great. But, we never said that we were exclusive, so, I started seeing someone else.
Anyway, now I am confused. I still like the first guy more, but he found out that I was seeing someone and we had a big fight. I told him that I didn’t care what he thought about me seeing the other guy…but I lied. I really wanted him to say that he wanted to be with me, but I was too scared to say that, because I didn’t want to say it out loud.
HELP! I don’t know what to do now.
I Care…da** it!
As someone who has tested many, many men, the truth is that you know EXACTLY what to do…you just have to muster up the courage to do two things:
- Decide that you are okay with WHATEVER the outcome is, when you go back to Guy #1 and tell him that you want to be with him.
- Decide to go back and tell him–not text him, not email him, but call him up, and make time to tell him what you feel face to face.
When we like someone, we all seem to goto “mush.” We seek having the upper hand, in a situation where there are no winners or losers. Admit it, the real reason that you started seeing the other guy was because you wanted a reaction from Guy #1. You got a reaction when he got upset (make a note of that), but you remain confused because he didn’t say what you want him to say in the heat of that moment.
Too many RomComs (that’s short for romantic comedies)….I know…
It’s okay I’ve been there.
The best solution here is what I call the Communication Situation. It requires you to do 3 three things:
Get the Whole Story
Be humble because you have to eat little crow. You know you went out and flashed your “I am a big, bad single chic badge” and made a bit of a stir. But it’s okay. When you call, be quick to apologize, and ask (not demand or require) that they schedule some time to speak with you. Remember, you have to be okay with the outcome (see my earlier statement), so if he doesn’t want to meet with you, then don’t press the issue. Just reiterate that you are sorry, and leave it there. Call it woman’s intuition, but I do believe that he’ll want to speak with you…keep me posted.
Be HONEST. This is NOT the time to be coy or cute about what happened, or about what you want. Honesty is the best policy. So, once you set this date, show up, explain briefly, and then be honest about what you want from this guy. It’s that simple. All he can say is that he wants the same thing…or not. Either way, you will cease being confused about how, or if, this situation will work out for you.
Get the whole story. If you are not cute or coy about the situation, then this may not be a problem. However, I will say this: If you want to know if Guy #1 wants to be with you exclusively, then ask that EXACT question. Do not ask him trite or trivial questions, such as, “do you miss me?” “have you thought about me?” and other things that truly don’t matter in this moment. All that matters in this moment is that you get a complete answer to the question that you have. If his response leaves you wondering, then clarify again… GET THE WHOLE STORY!
In conclusion, don’t beat yourself up. As women, we live (especially our love lives) as double agents. Strong on the outside, but ooey and gooey on the inside. As such is the case, sometimes we say and do things in an effort to preserve our strength and to avoid being vulnerable. As I told you in “Why Don’t You Act Like a Man…” we are emotional creatures…it’s okay. The man that loves you will embrace that part of you.
Now, all that’s left to do is to pick up the phone…are…you…ready?
Keep me posted…it’s Snuggleville or bust!