Does absence make make the heart grow fonder or wander?
Time to “do your own thing” is necessary in every relationship, deciding how much time and enforcing it is one of the vital steps to having a more healthy and happy relationship with others. Having space to breathe also gives you space to think about the other person on your own terms, this healthy separation creates Romantic energy and proves for a great reconnection.Of course there are a few rules to the “Art of absence”.
There are two types of “absentees” … The natural absentee – people who just need their space every now and then and the mechanical absentee – people who are always genuinely busy (work, school, organizations). Both are legitimate reasons and should not make you feel guilty, but there are right and wrong ways to express this to a romantic interest!
RULE #1: Start from the beginning
Setting aside time for yourself is not just some idea, it’s essential to your sanity! Don’t get me wrong, as good as it feels to indulge yourself in the life of your love interest it’s important to not lose your own self identity which is probably one of the reasons they are with you in the first place. Establish “your time” from the beginning, if you’re a natural absentee make sure to let your partner know early on how important this time is for you. If you’re a mechanical absentee make sure to represent your hours of obligation clearly so that there is no misrepresentation of available time.
Sometimes when dating someone new we tend to clear space and create time that we really don’t have, this bites us in the tail later when reality sets in and they have to settle with half the time they had with us before. Be clear with your personal needs upfront and if they can not be met move on!
RULE #2: Their time is their time
Simply put, when you have someone who understands that you need to get away sometimes, make sure that you show your appreciation by making time just for them as well! We are not just talking about your physical presence, we are talking about QUALITY TIME, present in mind, body and soul as one fully focused on one another. Give them their time whole heartedly and they won’t mind giving you yours.
RULE #3: Will the heart wander?
Too much time for yourself and not following rule number 2 is exactly how to screw up your relationship. Missing someone between the times you see each other is fairly healthy for your relationship when you are sure they GENUINELY miss you back (demonstrated in rule #2). Not being sure can create insecurities, which will lead to frustration, then assumptions and then ultimately one of two things, a relationship without trust or a bad break up! Neither of which are fun.
RULE #4: Don’t be hypocritical!
You have your time for football? You get your time alone with your friends for shopping? GOOD! Now don’t forget to allow your partner the same courtesies, it’s only fair!
Rule #5: CLINGY MUCH!
If you bring up the idea of personal time and they look at you with a blank stare followed by the question “why would you want that? We’re a couple” … drop whatever you are doing and RUN! This is an early sign that your individual social life as you know it is done, better to get out now while it’s still fresh. Wait to long and you may have someone at your window singing Adele’s ”Someone Like You”! But enough of my personal stories, just know that if none of these rules work you may have a clinger or for better terms someone who cares for you … and only you A LOT … A WHOLE LOT … and they’ll hug you and squeeze you and call you George! If that’s what you like move forward, if not move on!