Much like my Reigning in My Inner Whore piece inspired by La Petite Provacater this article is inspired by another fantastic SWEXPERT, Lily, who recently joined the gang. She was writing about Moving On and I was struck by a couple things she said. We’ve all been heartbroken, we’ve all had pain when it came time for a relationship to end, but I’ve noticed lately how differently I handle relationships ending. I’ve recognized this in myself before but Lily brought it back to the forefront.
You see, Lily said she felt stupid for falling for him again and again. She expressed hating the feeling of heartbreak and of missing him. For me these are things I just don’t feel when things go wrong. Of course I am sad, of course I remember them, but I look at these situations a little differently. I think heartbreak is, or at least can be, a positive thing. I see you shaking your head so please let me explain.
I love deeply. I love without reservation. I feel. I cry. I lust. I yearn. I dedicate myself. It is not in me to hold back. If I was smarter I would probably have built some walls or exercise some reservation but when I care I care deeply and immediately. Because this is how I “fall” I tend to get hurt and get hurt often. It could be anything from flirting with a guy at a bar and then not getting the same interest back to excitement over a first date that doesn’t go as well as I’d like. There are times where I dedicate myself to a relationship only to learn that they aren’t as invested as I am. Then there are the times where no matter how much I wish it would work a relationship just doesn’t and we have to go our own ways. All these situations are disappointing, sad, and hurtful in their own way.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t jump the “I love you” gun and I don’t cling, but I do get excited. I date pretty monogamously (no juggling men for me) and I surrender to the butterflies willingly. I don’t hold back from being excited about the potential a man holds. I don’t reign in my daydreaming or my wishful thinking. I LOVE this about me. I actually pride myself on my ability to continue to care without fear of the heartache that may come if I’m not more careful.
It’s okay to hurt but try to see the light.
Sure, heartache and disappointment sucks, but with it comes the knowledge that I lept, I cared without reservation, and I lived. I adore about myself that I don’t let the past pain stop me from continuing to free fall into infatuation. The heartaches don’t have me running for bricks and mortar. Sure there will be tears and some sadness but mostly I’m just excited that I am staying true to myself. I am proud of those tears and that ache in my chest. Getting your heart broken sucks but it means you loved and that, my friends, is wonderful. So the next time you are hurting over a breakup remember how amazing and strong you are and remember that to hurt means you were brave enough to care.