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Is Silence Really Golden? by @SingleSassyBlog

10
16 Jun 2012
by Joanna Rothman

Last week, I updated my profile on a popular dating site.  I sat back and waiting for the responses to come flooding in.  Ok, maybe not.  Maybe I started writing to people and then waiting for the responses to come flooding in.

I don’t usually write to the extremely hot, athletic guys because, who are we kidding here?  I’m a curvy

Librarians are sexy.

woman who prefers fine wines and couch dates to running a marathon.  So, I went to the place on the website that shows you guys who are looking for qualities that you have.  One site calls it “reverse match.”  I saw this one guy and he was older than me and balding.  Not a very good looking guy, by any standards, but he had written that he was intellectual and a librarian!  Librarians are sexy.

So, I wrote him a quick note to say hello and point out the qualities I admired in his post.  I also said silence is golden 300x224 Is Silence Really Golden? by @SingleSassyBlogthat he had a nice smile.  (I didn’t mention anything about liking the shiny bald spot or bad shirt…I try to look beyond those things).

He wrote me back and said, “Thanks, but I’m not interested.  Good luck in your search.”

And, being the diligent dating blogger that I am, I figured I’d ask him to elaborate.  Granted, I knew he just may not be attracted to me.  But I also wanted to know if there was something more I should be including in my profile.  I wrote back to him and asked him why.

And his response was: “You live to far away and frankly, I don’t find you attractive.”

In one sense, good for him.  He was honest.  And I asked for it.  But, in another sense, what a jerk!  I told a couple of my friends about this exchange and they said he could have been gracious and left out the second part.

So, my question to you is, is silence golden? Would it have been better if he had just said nothing?

I’m now on the other side of the situation.  There are two guys emailing me constantly online who I’m frankly not attracted to.  Do I tell them?



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Joanna Rothman

Joanna keeps a dating blog of her experiences as a 37-year-old single professional woman living in Boston, MA USA. She considers herself single, sassy, smart, and arguably, sophisticated (which she tends to disprove every time she blogs). Like her blog posts here? Then, you’ll love singlesassy.com.

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@singlesassyblog

Single. Sassy. Smart. Arguably Sophisticated. Read the good, bad, and ugly on my blog at http://singlesassy.com. Also a #SWEXPERT for @singlewarehouse.

Wishing the weekend was 3 days longer! – 11 hours ago

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  • http://singledatingdiva.com singledatingdiva

    Don’t they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder? I have learned a long time ago that men always reach for the top (what they value as the top) when looking for a mate (even if they’re unattractive, actually especially if they’re unattractive). Women go into more depth usually and give chances to people we’re not attracted to … but you know what? You can’t be with someone you’re not attracted to … that is important, so tell them you aren’t interested and if they want you to elaborate then do it, but don’t volunteer the information I say.

  • Joanna Rothman

    Thanks for the advice. I don’t want to be cruel, but you’re right – you can’t have a healthy relationship with someone you’re not attracted to.

  • http://datingbellasdiary.blogspot.co.uk/ Bellas Dating Woes

    Hahaha, at the first paragraph! :) Made me chuckle
    What an arse! I think silence is golden in that sense. Why he needed to say that I don’t know. I think, depending on my mood I would have picked out his horrible t-shirt and shiny head. But saying that, you would probably help him on his quest! :/
    Singledatingdiva makes a good point. Men are shallow :) [I know you didn't write that but that's what I'm going to take!]

  • http://singlegirlblogging.com singlegirlie

    Well, yeah, you did ask and yeah, he was honest. Brutally honest. He certainly could’ve said the same thing in a much nicer way, e.g., “You’re not my type.” Unfortunately, not everyone has the gift of tact and since you asked I guess he figured he’d give it to you straight. I suppose if we ask a question like that we need to be prepared for the answer, good or bad.

    If I’m not attracted to someone who e-mails me online I simply don’t respond. In the online dating world, no response means, “I’m not interested.” I don’t think we’re obligated to reply to everyone on an online dating site. And if I do respond I know I’m opening it up to conversations I’d rather not have, like the one you described.

    So for the two guys you’re dealing with, I say don’t respond and they’ll get the hint. If you’ve already responded, a polite, “I appreciate your messages, but I am not interested” is all you have to say. Good luck! (And by the way, I hope you don’t put too much stock in what the jerk said. Just because he’s not attracted doesn’t mean others won’t be.) :)

  • Pingback: My latest post from Singles Warehouse | Single. Sassy. Smart. Sophisticated?

  • Joanna Rothman

    Thanks for the last line! I needed that :)

  • http://singlegirlblogging.com singlegirlie

    You’re welcome, my love! I think it’s so important to remember :)

  • http://www.penmyprofile.com/ Pen My Profile

    Oh gawd! What a *lovely* guy!

    We chatted about this in the office over our sarnies. We think there’s definitely a fine line, but you can totally be honest without being offensive or cruel. How did that guy not think what he was saying would hurt you?! He definitely could have left it at ‘too far away’. We say go for the points in their profile that they can’t do anything about, which isn’t personal – geographics, their love of football.. you get the idea!

  • Joanna Rothman

    I’m honored to have been part of the “water cooler” talk at your office. Tell everyone I say hello!

  • http://accordingtojewels.com According to Jewels

    I have never told somebody that they weren’t attractive to me. I am honest with them BUT I don’t go below the belt. I keep it to distance, interests, etc. I don’t get nasty because I wouldn’t appreciate that in return. It’s a fact of life that sometimes we just aren’t attracted to somebody. You DID ask but he didn’t have to be nasty. I’m sure had he looked there would have been plenty of other factors (As Pen My Profile said) that he could have focused on.

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