The What-ifs by @SingleDC

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There are millions of exciting things about embarking on the path of a new dating relationship.

 There’s the giddy feeling associated with seeing them after a long week. The temptation that rises when your bodies are pressed together in a steamy make-out session. There’s learning who they are, how they got there, and what their hopes and dreams are. There’s the quick rush of endorphins you get when they send you a cute text message to see how your day’s going…

The list goes on and on and on, but what about the negatives of a new dating relationship?

You don’t have any?

Well maybe I’m just a little messed up, but every-single-time I start something new, I get the “What-Ifs.

Now I think I’m a relatively attractive, intelligent, reasonable, and awesome person, but it doesn’t matter. I’m still sitting there at the end of the day thinking, “erm… why didn’t he text me,” “man, it’s taking him a long time to respond,” “I wonder if he thinks I’m pretty,” or “who else is that bastard dating!?”

The guy could think I’m the next Mona Lisa and spend all-day, every-day texting/calling/skyping/tweeting me, and I’d still have that split-second, “why doesn’t he LOVE me?” reaction.

The doubts that occur in new relationships are frequent and mostly unfounded, but I guess that the doubt in my mind, which is quelled the minute I see that person, just likes to rear its ugly little head and make itself known.

After checking with a few of the chikas, I know that it’s not just me. We doubt everything that we’ve come to love about ourselves – the quirky sense of humor, the blatant honesty, the willingness to go all-out for a friend, etc…, because ‘what if he doesn’t like it?’ ‘What if he doesn’t like who we are?’ And when your hormones are racing and all you want to do is just be with that one person, the What-ifs don’t help. So you change to fit an “ideal” mold of feminine charms, and in the process while he may potentially think, “oh, she’s so lady-like,” we’re only hurting ourselves.

Our What-ifs are causing us to lose out on the only thing that actually matters in a relationship, being true to yourself. If you change to fit what you think is “ideal,” then when you slowly morph back into the person you actually are, your partner will notice and in that change he’ll think, “wow, why isn’t she like she used to be.” Some of you might take the wrong message away from this that you need to change and stay changed, but I argue that you need to be you, and STAY YOU.

The one thing that drives me absolutely batty when my friends get into relationships is when they’re completely themselves when I hang out with them solo, but then they act completely different around their partner. I have a highly intelligent friend who throws all sense out the window and says & does dumb things that will make her boyfriend feel more intelligent, and then I have another laid-back friend who actually resorts to a higher pitched voice and uses excessive hand gestures, subconsciously, in order to seem more cheerful and giddy and fun to keep her guy hanging around, but in the process they’re both changing who they are.

Now maybe love has made them do dumb things, but I argue that they’re acting how they imagine females are supposed to act in order to attract a mate. Their What-ifs have superseded their own awesome and unique personalities.

I can’t tell you how to get rid of the What-ifs… in fact, if you figure that out, I’d appreciate some insight, but what I can tell you is how to quell them.

Here’s some examples…

“What if he doesn’t text me back!?” – Then he wasn’t fucking worth it.

“What if he doesn’t like my outfit?!” – Color is one thing, but if he truly thinks you’re beautiful the outfit doesn’t matter.

“What if he thinks my jokes are too corny?!” – If he likes you, it wont matter. He’ll laugh because you’re laughing and laughter is contagious.

“What if he doesn’t like my cooking?!” – If he likes you, he’ll grin and bear it, then take you out to dinner the next time.

“What if he likes somebody else?!” – Then you didn’t have a chance, and it’s time to move on to someone who actually appreciates you.

“What if he doesn’t like my personality.” – Who the fuck cares?! You’re awesome. You’re you. And it took a lifetime of experiences and friends and family to get you where you are. If he doesn’t like YOU, then it’s time to move the fuck on, because your personality is who you are. If he doesn’t like it… Fuck him.

“What if he thinks I’m a total loser?!” – Do you seriously want to be around someone who thinks you’re a loser?! Take some confidence pills and own up to who you are. You’re not a loser, and if he thinks you are, then he’s a dick.

So what I’m trying to say is the What-ifs are just your doubts bubbling to the surface. Doubts are natural, but what isn’t natural is changing yourself to make a guy like you… If he doesn’t like you for who you are now, then he sure as hell isn’t going to like you for you, later. And who wouldn’t like you? Let’s be real – You’re awesome!

If this article gave you the confidence to find your match, try Singles Warehouse today!

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SingleDC is a dating aficionado with a penchant for finding romance and laughter in the most random places of Washington, DC and beyond. Sometimes single and sometimes not, she offers up stories, embarrassing and non, to let others learn from her mistakes, failures, and triumphs.

5 Comments

  • May 2, 2012

    singledatingdiva

    Great post! The “what if’s” are the WORST! You get so paranoid because you want them to like everything about you … but sometimes that’s at the expense of you being true to yourself. So agree with “If he doesn’t like you for who you are now, then he sure as hell isn’t going to like you for you, later.” … BE TRUE TO YOU!!!

  • May 3, 2012

    Something She Dated

    While I rarely get the what-ifs for someone I’ve started dating I get a dire case of them in between the “here’s my phone number” and “I definitely like hanging out with you”…especially when the number exchange happens in an unclear atmosphere…ie…out at a bar…clear…you think I’m hot at the least, awesome at the best but what about when it’s at a yelp event or something lol where it could be flirting or could be networking…then my what-ifs hit astronomical levels lol – Great post!

  • May 5, 2012

    Marrie

    Logically we know the negative loop we keep playing is total crap and yet our emotions get so caught up in it that we lose sight of ‘what’s real’ and focus on the ‘what if’s’! You’re right…we are awesome and we do need to remind ourselves of that before the loop wears our self-esteem to a nub! Fabulous post.

    • May 5, 2012

      Singles Warehouse

      I think in the past ‘what if’s’ have always been in my head…don’t know why. Just have.

  • May 5, 2012

    SingleInMy30s

    Yes…the what-ifs can totally mess up your mind. Be true to you, and if he doesn’t like it, he’s NOT RIGHT for YOU.

    Interestingly, lately, if I really like a guy and things seem to be going really well, I start to wonder, what if he’s like this with all women and how he acts with me is nothing particular special or unique to me? I wonder if that’s a product of getting older and too many relationships.

    And it’s funny, alternately, I start to wonder if I don’t start thinking the what-ifs, then does that mean I’m not really into the guy enough? In the best of cases, I’d hope it’s just I’m confident enough with my self, the guy and us that the what-ifs are answered, and I’m secure and content with how things are…lately that “sure thing” feeling just has nipped me in the butt a couple times too many though. *Le sigh*