One Tequila. Two Tequila. Three Tequila. Whore?: Kissing Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie Goodbye by @LaProvocateur

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Let me make one fact very clear, my dearest readers: I am in a long-term steamy bad-decision-filled love/hate relationship with tequila. I love it. I hate it. I love to hate it. I 14 300x195 One Tequila. Two Tequila. Three Tequila. Whore?: Kissing Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie Goodbye by @LaProvocateurhate to love it. I mean, I don’t have much of a “filter” to begin with, but tequila somehow manages to bring the “sassy” out in me that much more. I dance like a super sexy freak. I am witty and sexually forward. And my tequila hangovers are never all that bad (champagne? that’s another story all together). But, there is a fine line between riding high and wild on tequila…and being tequila roadkill. Because, as I often remind myself, “Tequila is a sneaky bitch. One minute, you’re dancing like a sexy mofo. The next, you’re one the ground, pantsless, making out with a shoe.”

Okay, so I’ve never been on the floor, pantsless, and making out with a shoe at the hands of tequila…but that may as well have been the case. In other words, most of my bad decision shenanigans have been the unfortunate (or incredibly fortunate, as is occasionally the case) result of tequila. And, most of my recent bad decisions in dating have tequila to blame.

Such is the case with Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie.

As I mentioned in my last Singles Warehouse post (check it out here), I met Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie during a recent Saturday night outing with my favorite female wing woman. My lady friend and I had been kicking back shots of tequila and washing them down with bottle of Bud Light, so we weren’t exactly setting ourselves up for intellectually centered and sober interactions with the men at the bar. But, I digress….

Three tequila shots later, and I found myself making out with Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie at a local bar, letting his hands wander a little bit while we candidly discussed love, sex,24 300x213 One Tequila. Two Tequila. Three Tequila. Whore?: Kissing Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie Goodbye by @LaProvocateur and dating. It was all in good fun, and it was all incredibly honest. We were both sick and tired of the games people played in dating, and we vowed to be utterly honest about what we wanted from each other. The sexual chemistry between us was palpable and, when he accidentally pulled my hair…and I inadvertently moaned…I KNEW tequila was claiming yet another night and otherwise innocent interaction. This was about to go south (in every sense of the word). FAST.

Not wanting the night to end, Mr. Dirty Birdie and his trusty wingman invited my wing woman and myself out to a nearby diner for a little late night snack. We agreed, and ending up strolling hand-in-hand to the diner with our respective paramours. From there, Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie and I proceeded to feed each other our shared ice cream sundae, and squeezing each other’s thighs underneath the table. We also snuck in a few not-so-innocent kisses while at the diner. At one point, Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie even followed me as I snuck off to the ladies’ room, pushed me inside, locked the door behind him, and made out with me like his life (and libido) depended on it. It was hot. And we were both left a little breathless by this interaction.

More than anything else, I was excited to see where this all went, particularly because I was feeling a bit (okay, a LOT) let down by Mr. Hot Chocolate. Remember, this was the night that he was going to meet up with me….and, when he never showed, his emotionally distancing himself became utterly obvious. So, really, I was enjoying this delightful distraction , and I was totally interested to see if this immediate spark could lead to something more…. I mean, any man bold enough to crawl across a car seat to give me one last kiss goodbye is worth a second look. But, a man willing to do so while “Call Me Maybe” played on the radio in the background…and then whisper a few of the lyrics in my ear…. Goddammit. He’s a keeper.

Right?

Oh. So. Wrong.

You see, there had already been quite a few red flags that waved during our interaction. More than anything, I sensed that he was a control freak with dominance tendencies. And, while I enjoy being dominated just as much as any other strong-willed woman, something just seemed, well, off. Plus, as much as I hate to rely on astrology to dictate my relationships, I instantly guessed that he was a Virgo, which is never a good match for a Sagittarius like me. Too much precision and control for a freedom loving rule breaker such as myself. Plus, not that long after meeting, Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie proceeded to explain to me that he preferred open relationships and asked if I would be down for the type of swingers coupling where I would have sex with other men and either tell him about it (in great detail), let him listen in over the phone, or let him watch.

Ummmm…. ECK!

Now, overall, I’m a pretty open person. I actively try not to judge others, and I am generally accepting of quirks and individual preferences. I mean, I’ve always been told that something about my open acceptance of others that makes people feel 100% comfortable in being themselves around me. And, while I take this as a huge compliment, this fact also makes it so that, on occasion, people (like Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie) feel totally comfortable with letting their Freak Flag wave high and proud. Sure, I had been drinking tequila and taking about sex with Mr. Dirty Birdie when we first met, but did he somehow think that I was a dirty birdie myself? Was my openness and candor making me seem like a cheap whore in his eyes?

I told Mr. Dirty Birdie that, while I don’t judge him for his sexual preference, it simply wasn’t for me. Still, he continued to send me sexually explicit text messages detailing 3 200x300 One Tequila. Two Tequila. Three Tequila. Whore?: Kissing Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie Goodbye by @LaProvocateurthe filthy things he wanted me to do to him or, worse yet, to other men. Yeah, it got that weird. Mr. Dirty Birdie also proceeded to call/text daily (and with great frequency), often dropping very sweet sentiments in between his otherwise sexually charged comments.

From there, it was all downhill. We had already planned a date night together but, when the “date” where he promised to “woo the shit out of me” turned in to plans to grab a beer and dessert at a local cafe downstairs from his apartment (aka BOOTY CALL sex fest), I instantly checked out of this one. I politely explained to Mr. Dirty Birdie that we were both clearly looking for different things and that I didn’t want to waste his time if all he was looking for was sex. This infuriated him, and he spun in to a very odd tirade about “women like me.” Still, I stuck to my guns and refused the date (if you could even call it that) or any other engagement with him, for that matter.

In a sense, I was setting Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie free…and throwing his “pot” straight out the kitchen window with the water still in it. Yet, he continues to text on a fairly regular basis. “I really miss kissing you.” I can’t stop thinking about you and I.” “Don’t you miss me, too, babe?” ICK. ICK. ICK. Gag me. He couldn’t possibly be serious…. Except that he is. And I just continue to ignore every last text. No thank you. Moving on….

So, dearest readers, my worries about the sexual chemistry with Mr. Dirty Birdie were SPOT ON. And, obviously, his “pot” is long gone. But, are you surprised with how this all played out? For those who voted for Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie last week, are you sad to see him gone? Who gets your vote now? Voice your opinion. Tell me your honest thoughts. Help me navigate through my kitchen of love. Clearly, I need all the help that I can get icon wink One Tequila. Two Tequila. Three Tequila. Whore?: Kissing Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie Goodbye by @LaProvocateur

xoxo

La Petite Provocateur

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True Tales of Love, Lust, and Lingerie. Open-minded and brutally honest oversharer with a weakness for sweet smiles, loud laughter, drive, passion, and tattoos. Oh, and a great ass never hurt, either. As a New England native who is now living the California dream, I have a great blend of East Coast and West Coast mentalities. And, while I am (happily) in a committed relationship nowadays, I have plenty of dating and relationship stories and insight to share. Check out my blog to read some oldies but goodies or, better yet, track me down on Twitter Twitter and Facebook to keep up with latest shenanigans. xoxo xoxo La Petite Provocateur

24 Comments

  • May 1, 2012

    ChrisinHD

    So many bad moves, so little time….. When I think of mixing booty calls with dating I think of the old saying “give a man a fish you feed him for the day, if you teach him to fish then you feed him for life” if a guy treats a date like a booty call then he may only have sex once…. But if he treats a date like a date then he will have sex whenever he wants…This winner could have had shot at the title… but one bad move led to a first round elimination. Good luck on your next sexually fueled mentally frustrating date, my frisky friend from Frisco!!!

    • May 1, 2012

      Singles Warehouse

      I love the fish bit!

    • May 1, 2012

      Seven Dates a Week

      Brilliantly put re: teaching a man to fish. Approach is everything!

      • May 2, 2012

        La Petite Provocateur

        Indeed it is! A more subtle approach would have gotten him a lot further. Though, truth be told, I’m glad his true colors showed so soon. Now I can move on to bigger (and sexier) things. Mr. Hot Chocolate? Mr. French Toast? Decisions. Decisions. ;) xoxo La Petite Provocateur

        • May 2, 2012

          Singles Warehouse

          Have you made up your mind yet?

          • May 3, 2012

            La Petite Provocateur

            No firm decision yet ;) Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie is gone. Mr. Music Man is pretty much gone (though he is FB messaging me as we speak!). Mr. French Toast continues to impress me…but is still dating another lady. Mr. Hot Chocolate has been MIA (traveling but still no word in almost a week). But, in an interesting turn of events, an old flame from 9 years ago just resurfaced, in a sense. The plot thickens…. ;) I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted! xoxo La Petite Provocateur

          • May 3, 2012

            Singles Warehouse

            I wonder if the vote will turn out to be the right person in the end…

    • May 2, 2012

      La Petite Provocateur

      ChrisinHD, you couldn’t POSSIBLY be any more correct. Had be properly courted me (you know, still be a little bit naughty but yet a lot more nice) and maybe took me on a date while slowly turning up the passion flames, I definitely would’ve made it worth his while. But, alas, he tried to race to the grand finale without enjoying the journey…and lost me along the way. Here’s hoping for NO MORE mentally frustrated dates. But, I WILL take a few more sexually fueled ones ;) Thanks for writing in! xoxo La Petite Provocateur

  • May 1, 2012

    Bellas Dating Woes

    Oh, I was rooting for this guy… then he ruined it! I mean, at what point did he NOT get the message?! I’m not sad to see him gone that’s for sure. Good thing you didn’t have your love hate relationship with tequilla before you cancelled your date with him, could have been a completely different story! :) xx

    • May 2, 2012

      La Petite Provocateur

      Bellas Dating Woes: I wish I could say I was sorry that it didn’t work out…but, really, I’m just glad to get him out of the way. Which pot are you rooting for now? DYING to know! xoxo La Petite Provocateur

  • May 1, 2012

    Nipple Rings

    I stand corrected, the dick! I liked it up until the booty call date. But for me, I swing so all that is ok. Hubby like to watch and to be honest, its a rush to have him watch me with other men (sometimes at the same time.)

    I do take offense to the “whore” part in your story. Swingers are not whores. we just like sex. or is that just me? :)

    But Mr Goodie Birdie turned out to be a dick. enough said, and not in a good way!

    N

    • May 2, 2012

      La Petite Provocateur

      Nipple Rings: I was definitely liking it up until the booty call date, too. The swinger portion wasn’t meant to be offensive towards swingers (or anyone, really). I’m open to most anything and definitely don’t judge. But, the way he was talking to me overall (swinger request aside) was actually pretty appalling. I mean, I like sex just as much (and probably a lot more) than the next person. BUT, there is a fine line between talking dirty and being honest with me…and just being insulting and degrading. Yeah, he crossed that line. So, who are you rooting for now? xoxo La Petite Provocateur

  • May 12, 2012

    leahruthe

    I need a recap of which pots are still left on the stove, please! Is Mr. Hot Chocolate out of the picture, too? (And from an astrological standpoint, I completely agree that Sag + Virgo is a tricky pairing at best ; P) Keep us posted, I came in late to this one!

    • May 14, 2012

      La Petite Provocateur

      LeahRuthe, so glad that you understand the astrological standpoint of a Sag/Virgo mixture. Always a disaster. As a recap: Mr. Hot Chocolate is basically off the stove but still in the kitchen…maybe. Same for Mr. Music Man, but he’s basically buried in a cupboard. Mr. French Toast lives to see another day. Mr. Dirty Birdie is LONG gone. Tune in in the next day or so, though, for the introduction of a new (and very exciting!) pot ;) xox La Petite Provocateur

  • May 12, 2012

    Adam

    Holy Christ was I wrong! What is it with some of these guys not getting that your not interested? Jeez, crying like a two year old and creepy text messages, definitely not a good way to win a woman over.

    • May 14, 2012

      La Petite Provocateur

      Adam, I know, right?! Tune in in the next day or so, though, for the intro of a very manly and very worthy new pot, Mr. Irish Eyes. No crying and no creepy text messages. All man. And a great kisser ;) You’ll want to keep tuned in! xoxo La Petite Provocateur

  • May 15, 2012

    Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie

    For the record, I tried to explain my side of the story here in the comments and she deleted them. Bad internet protocol to delete comments from the other side of the story! Poor form Petite.

    • May 15, 2012

      Singles Warehouse

      Hi Petite didn’t delete anything. You’ll notice that this comment has been approved…purely to show you that actually Petite has not deleted it. I think it’s time to officially leave be and move along now. If you wish to comment on your blog like you have suggested please do.

  • May 15, 2012

    Singles Warehouse

    Hi There Mr Dirty Birdie…

    Thanks so much for trying to take part in this article. We welcome comments. Comments are good. Horrible comments however WILL NEVER be tolerated on Singles Warehouse. I’m well aware that there are two sides to a story – and you would have been welcome to comment. However (and being the owner of this site) I’ll allow myself the exception to the usual rules on this site. We don’t really allow swearing…don’t get me wrong the occasional “dickhead” or “shit” is going to happen…but honestly you swear too much. You’ll notice your comments have not been approved – that’s one of the reasons. The next reason is that your ‘email’ address is equally as useful. If you don’t want to be identified on the site that’s fine, we don’t publish those details…however I have a responsibility to our readers to make sure comments are genuine…so your @horseshit.com email address probably won’t cut it with me. Please understand that your continued comments simply will not be published. If you would care to email us directly about this feel free to at info@singleswarehouse.co.uk. We’ll gladly read them. If you feel you have not been represented correctly may I suggest that you write a blog?

    • May 18, 2012

      Mr. Dirty Birdie Goodie

      I’m suddenly less concerned. If the guy that owns the site/business is the one moderating the comments then I am guessing maybe 40 people have even seen this article. Haha. And don’t kid me or the twelve readers you have or yourself. You didn’t take down my comment because there were too many cuss words, there were like three, everyone cusses in these comments. You took it down because I presented my side of the story that exposed that Petite is full of crap. Coming from a guy who works in digital marketing for bigger brands than you’ll ever be, moderating comments because they disagree with your posts while contributing to the discussion is bad practice. Gotta let the people speak. I know you won’t leave this up because you’re a bit of a coward but I just wanted to say this to you directly.

      • May 18, 2012

        Singles Warehouse

        Oh a Challenge…I’ll gladly leave this comment up – you didn’t swear. However we won’t rise to the bigger brands comment or the 40 people reading this…we don’t need to. Enjoy working for those big brands whilst we build ours. I agree you have to let the people speak…please feel free…just be decent about how you do it. To our ’40’ readers we’re sorry you’ve had to read this. We’ll say that like bigger brands we’ll always do our best to provide great content – which we’re confident we’re doing. Oh no wait – can’t let this one go I’m sorry – WE ARE THE BIGGEST DATING BLOG ONLINE! Thanks for everyone’s continued support!

        Mr Dirty Birdie Goodie – enough’s enough. We’d love you to read, comment if you wish – but we’re not going to justify our actions to you.

        Thank’s everyone – peace out!

  • May 15, 2012

    Coach Steph | WTL

    How do we dial back to dating, when we were making out after knowing each other a “whole minute?” Too much, too fast, not judging…just saying.

    Coach Steph has spoken…You go #beaROCKSTAR!

  • May 15, 2012

    According to Jewels

    I am torn on this one for a couple reasons. I’d like to think we have a lengthy future of twitter/commenting ahead of us and I’m a Virgo…le sigh.

    Alright, to be serious though. I have had experiences like this. That instant chemistry, a drunken hook up, and then you start to reign it in and try to take it down a different path towards something not just sexual. This has inspired a post for me. I do the same thing and I honestly think it’s a bit of self sabotage. Yes, you made your displeasure clear and he should have stopped or reigned it in but can we really blame them for heading directly towards sex when that’s the initial vibe we give off? ooooh…can’t wait to write this one.

    PS-doesn’t matter why you cut somebody off and you don’t have to justify it to them or to anyone else. You know what is best for you! Stick to your guns.