When it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship I received a piece of that made sense to me. The advice was so obvious that I was surprised I’d never thought of it. What didn’t surprise me, given the specific advice given, was that it came from a man. Still, the reasoning behind his #1 rule in relationships was actually pretty heart warming. The advice is simple.
I’m sure that all the men out there are cheering while the women are shaking their heads in despair. I have an over active libido so I didn’t disagree with this on a frequency level but even I have times where I’m not in the mood. So, before you start high fiving me or lighting your torches to storm my castle, let me explain.
My friend’s theory is that if you are in a relationship with somebody and they initiate or ask for sex you say yes, every single time. When I said that’d never happen because sometimes it’s just not the right time. He further explained that they should know you well enough to read your moods. In a perfect world he is right in reality guys on a mission rarely read a woman’s mood correctly. I brought this up and he agreed but he stressed that in most situations a guy can tell when he’s got a green light and when he doesn’t. He further stressed that if the mood is neutral the woman shouldn’t have any reason to say no.
His reasoning, which I agree with, is that saying no to a partner when they ask for or initiate sex, builds resentment along with feelings of being unwanted and hurt. He’s right. We’ve all been shot down when there was no particular reason and it sucks. You thought it was a good time, they tell you no, and you’re left wondering why they don’t want you. If this occurs enough the partner usually stops initiating for fear of rejection and feeling like it’s a lost cause anyway. This is the start of the downfall of a relationship and usually leads to the partner straying outside the relationship for sexual satisfaction.
The solution is easy. Don’t say no to sex. You heard me. So what if you had a long day, if you have a headache, or if you are stressed out. Long days and stress can be wiped away with the endorphins created in our brains when we have sex and orgasms are a miracle cure for most ailments. As for headaches, medical studies have shown that having sex can actually cure you of a headache! Seriously, it’s true; click here if you don’t believe me. This means no pretending to be asleep when he comes to bed, it means no shrugging off his hand when he starts to rub your back, and gentlemen it means no “I have an early morning” either.
Sex is not a bargaining chip, it is not a tool, and it is most definitely not a weapon. If you wield sex as a way to get what you want; withholding it as punishment, you are asking for trouble. Even if your thing is rough aggressive sex there is still value and meaning to a sexual relationship with a partner. When you use it as a weapon you belittle that, you remove that, and it’s now something else entirely. Using sex to control your partner is a horrible idea and one that is sure to backfire. Men will use sex as a way to get out the aggression of an argument and makeup sex is always fantastic. So why hold out? Who really gains from this?
If your partner is turning you down more often than not, it’s time to have a chat. Don’t go on the attack instead address what their constant denial is doing to you. If you are picking bad times then you need to discuss them taking the initiative more often or agreeing upon cues that let your partner know you are in the mood. Another tip would be to discuss things your partner can do to help get you in the mood. It never hurts to learn more of your lover’s buttons and just how to push, stroke, and caress them.
You may not always be “in the mood” but just remember that each time you say no you are digging at a bit of their confidence, building up a bit of resentment, and that everyone has their breaking point. Of all the compromises in a relationship, all the things that you have to do that you don’t really want to, should sex really be one of them? The next time your significant other initiates sex, even if you could pass on it, don’t. Have sex. Have lots of sex.
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