I don’t intend boring you with stories of my shambolic love life but just this once I want to share a true story of mine that has had a profound affect on the way I think and view myself and relationships.
Where’s the Finish Line?
I am not 21 anymore. WIth age comes reflection, maturity and wisdom. The majority of us have to learn the hard way and trust me I would not want to be 21 again. In fact I wouldn’t want to be 30 again. When I look back at some of the women I let go, whilst being blinded with infatuation and dating women clearly not compatible I could shoot myself. I have never been short of confidence being in the company of or chatting up women. I believe in the law of averages and karma in the dating game. Through a combination of growing up late (like most men) and wandering oblivious with my head up my arse, I have reached more finish lines than you can imagine.
So, Love. What is it? What does it mean? Everybody has their own definition of it. Is there a right and wrong answer? Who knows? What I do no though is that in my lifetime I have been in love once. Thats right. Once. Pathetic isn’t it. Its taken me nearly 40 years to realise it, various failed relationships, one night stands, infatuations, but when it all boils down to true love ive experienced it once.
I met my one true love through a friend on just a normal random weekend. We engaged in small talk, I didn’t fancy her particularly and just thought of it as friendly conversation. The night ended and I thought no more about it or her. She got my number through my friend, and we started texting etc you no the kind of thing. Being an open minded guy I responded, more small talk ensued but I still didn’t really think anything of it. Our paths crossed a few more times socially and slowly I got to know her as a person. Then one day out of the blue for no one particular reason I started to fall for her. And thats my point. I fell for her. Lock stock and barrel. All of a sudden the beauty of her shone both on the outside and within. I was smitten. Not because I physically fancied her, not through lust, like most previous relationships, but through the person that she was. Of course then the lust did start to develop but for the whole of her, which was totally and completely different from previous relationships. This became the most intense time I had ever experienced with a women. I found peace from within. I became a calmer person, I was myself but alas, eventually this same relationship nearly destroyed me.
We was both at fault for the eventual disintegration of the relationship. It would have been easy for me to blame her and walk head on into another relationship but I didn’t. It was six of one and half a dozen of the other and I knew that. Do I have regrets? Of course. Believe me when I say I very nearly hit rock bottom and I had to summon every single bit of strength to stop me from going over the edge. But I did and you know what, some 7 years on I am extremely thankful for it. I’m thankful for being taught what real love is. I’m thankful for having the strength to eventually realise that it was over and to let go even though it hurt deeply. I simply had to move on for my own sanity and future livelihood.
It also taught me you should never, ever, totally depend on someone else for your own happiness and well being. That was my downfall. I was weak and became dependent on her. Maybe I did lack confidence after all but it was love all the same, for that I’m sure. How do I know? Because it took me months, years to get over it. It felt like a bereavement. Even to this day I wish occasionally I could get back what we had, but then it passes me by. It can never happen. Ever. One thing is for sure. I have never felt that way about anyone else. Back then I didn’t have the wisdom I have now. I believe that people come into your life for a reason. You may not realise it at the time and it may ultimately be there to teach you a very hard lesson but one day you will look back and be grateful. I also these days listen to my inner voice. It may not always speak of what I wish to hear but nevertheless it is always right. That voice? Intuition and you know what, if I had listened to it back then my whole relationship history would have been entirely different because it spoke to me then the same as it does now.
Maybe there are more harsh lessons to be learnt, but what I have realised is that you have to love yourself before you can love another. To love yourself properly you have to be yourself. It wont please everybody and you may well upset some people for it. I wasn’t my real self before then and that I will always regret. Boy though have I learnt from it.
So many times we just fancy people and want to sleep with them. A lot of the time it is for our own selfish reasons and quiet often it ends in disappointment and regret the next day. For some, the sex is brilliant and for a while it remains brilliant and that is all people want. Fair enough. I have no doubts though that the main basis for a complete, long term satisfactory relationship is compatibility and personality. There is a big difference between making love to someone and just fucking them.
We all want to be loved. We all want to feel secure. None of us want to be lonely. Two many people become desperate or obsessed with being alone. They are in love with the idea of being in love. Most of my friends are either in dead end relationships or divorced. A good percentage of them are serial offenders at it. Why? Because they fear being alone, don’t listen to their inner voice or simply are deluded.
You may think I sound bitter and jealous. Occasionally, yes I guess I am. I still have my infatuations that border on the realms of fantasy. I still, occasionally, hit the big red button marked “Self Destruct” but most of the time I do apply self control, a little bit of faith and belief in myself. Most importantly though I act myself. I don’t change to suit how others want me to be. I am polite, courteous, and always try to look and act my best. Im not looking for a quick fix. Like most people, I could have a relationship tomorrow if I wanted. Thing is now, unlike then, I want something meaningful like I had before only this time I will know how to handle it and it will be for keeps.
So I sit and wait, whilst an angel contemplates my fate. When,where or if ever real love enters my life, who knows. Being in love for the sake of it does you no favours. Neither does lust or infatuation in the long term. If you have been rejected or rejected consider it simply that you was on the wrong path. Don’t force a relationship. Let it occur naturally and spontaneously. Listen to your inner voice. If it continues to not feel right finish it. Be strong. Don’t live a lie. One day you will be glad you did.