It’s very rare these days that I pick up a magazine without the words ‘How to be better at sex’ on the front. Naturally, it’s a very attractive title, who doesn’t want to be good in bed? My heart sinks however when I turn to page 49 only to find a list of quotes from 50 different men saying ‘I like it this way’. Ok, so it’s important to know what guys are fond of in that department, but a whole page of ‘lick me everywhere – treat me like a stamp,’ ‘tell me in detail all you’re going to do,’ and ‘leave the curtains open’ doesn’t really help a girl much. Now I’m not saying this is a bad thing, in honesty it is an entertaining read, but what I do ask myself is who is this aimed at? It can’t really be aimed at girls in relationships, if they want to know how to please their fella’ all they have to do is ask him. Communication is key when it comes to all that business, that’s my advice to girlfriends. The only ones that it could possibly be aimed at are us singletons.
In a way this list is a good way of preparing girls on what to expect from guys in the bedroom. And trust me, ‘treat me like a stamp’ is nothing compared to all the bizarre fantasies I’ve come across, that just requires the most effort. Don’t forgot, a whole body is a lot to cover for just one tongue.
As a recent University graduate I can say I dabbled in it all; relationships, flings, one night stands. Uni really is the place to experiment and get it all out of your system, it’s important to find what kind of sex you like best, right? From experience I can say it’s not a great place to start a serious relationship. Many will disagree, and that’s fine, this is just my opinion. For me Uni is where young and horney youths emigrate, to have fun and go a bit mental. No parents telling you what to do or asking who you’ve brought back, no rules, no social etiquette to follow. The thought that you can do whatever you like, with whoever you like, is a little daunting to some people. It certainly was to me at first. Then I realised nobody actually cares what you do or who you do. Gender, race, and age all kind of blurs into one (if only the real world was like that!) Although, if you are going to have one night stands, with men in particular, here’s a couple of tips I reckon might help.
Expect the unexpected:
A guy might make you feel like the only girl in the club and mention all the sweet love he wants to make with you, but that will change the minute he gets you in a bedroom. Not necessarily even in a bedroom, just somewhere quiet where you can drop your pants. I’m afraid, girls, if a guy’s been buying you drinks all night, saying how he ‘can’t wait to get to know you better’, all he’s been doing is buttering you up so he can layer his jam all over you later. No point beating around the bush, drunken sex is a messy business. Expect awkward fondling of the bra strap, broken zips, and jeans stuck around ankles as he forgets how to undress himself. There will be nothing sweet about it, trust me, just a prodding given to you as hard and as quick as possible. The one good thing about drunken sex is you’re too intoxicated to care about all the sweaty pumping noises going on down below. And the fact that he has no pubes. That’s right, some men like to go bare these days, not all, luckily. So just be warned, the guy could have a third testicle for all you know.
Make sure you actually want to have sex:
If you’re thinking about bringing a guy back after a night out, make sure you have more than kisses and cuddles in mind. I’m yet to meet a guy who doesn’t expect sex when he’s invited back to a girls flat. If only my naïve twenty year old self knew this, I’d have given that lad a stern no before letting him walk me home ‘like a gent’. Course you can come up, just for a drink though yeah? Oh silly, little, Amy. After wasting about three hours having my mouth washed out, whilst I tried coming up with a plan to get rid, I eventually said ‘enough is enough, I’m tired and I want to go to bed.’ He was sweet about it, walked me to my room, tucked me in bed, and as he left turned the light out for me. Then suddenly I heard keys, wallet, and belt buckle drop to the floor. This bloke wasn’t going anywhere. In fairness all he had was sleep in mind too, but after a bit I did think well, he’s here now, might as well. Sex didn’t happen, I wasn’t ready for all that then, but my flat mate did ask me why I walking like John Wayne the next morning. Let’s say I never let that boy buy me a drink again.
So there it is, the two most important things I wish someone would’ve told me before I ventured on my journey into university sex. Turned out one night stands aren’t my thing in the end, there’s only so many stamps a tongue can handle.
Peace and love from your Yorkshire Monkey x
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