Written by @AlexGravell
It’s that age-old dilemma of: we always want what we can’t have. Since childhood there has always been that one thing that we were never allowed but always wanted, even if we knew it was bad for us, it was still more appealing to us knowing that it could never be ours. I’m afraid to say that even as an adult, this feeling still remains. But as we get older, it only becomes more complicated.
A friend asked me last week to think of my ‘type’ of guy. Are they short, Tall? Skinny? Indie? Jock? After she pestered me so much, I decided to sit down and actually think about what she had asked me. After many, many word processed list of features and characteristics, I concluded that my ‘type’ of guy had nothing to do with looks. I’ve dated tall guys, small, skinny, athletic. (I’m pretty sure the only thing both my ex boyfriends had in common was that they both drove Citroen Saxos!) But once I really looked into it, they did have one thing in common: they were all unavailable to me, whether emotionally or physically; they were unavailable, and I couldn’t fully have them.
I don’t mean to have them as in a possessive way. I am referring to their resistance to never fully let me in, all the way. I would just like to point out that I am all or nothing. You take me for everything that I am; from the good to the bad, because I feel that life is too short to tiptoe around and pretend to be someone you’re not. It’s best to be honest and live life with arms wide open. But that’s just me and I’m sure there are other people just like me. But being this type of person, we automatically expect our partners to be the same. We might not realise we are doing it but we are pressurising our significant other to open up to us, which they may not feel comfortable to do.
This is what I mean when I say they are ‘emotionally unavailable’. They are the people who keep their feelings close to their chest, or are maybe too young to give us the mature, emotional connection we desire, or maybe they’re the people who play games with us to keep us hanging on because they “don’t know what they want”. (It’s sad to say but I have dated quite a few of the latter). But why do I do it? If I’ve dated this person before and can spot this kind of individual in a crowd, why do I continue to go back? Shouldn’t I really be more intelligent and just stay away before I get too deep? In all honesty, it’s easier said than done. Going after unavailable men has become a routine for me, and one I thought I have finally broken. But looking back on this summer, oh I was so wrong.
My dating record for this summer just made it clear that I was still caught up in this ‘type’ of guy. I dated a guy briefly knowing he had just got out of a 2 year relationship and wouldn’t really consider more me to be more than ‘that cute little welsh girl’. Then there was the guy who played me last year and wanted round 2. Then there was the guy in a rock band who I only ever managed to meet once in the 2 months that we were texting.
Again I ask myself, why do I do it? Maybe it’s because I secretly love the chase. Of hoping that this ‘unavailable’ guy will think I’m worth changing for. Or maybe it has to do with getting hurt so bad from my first relationship that I wouldn’t let a guy get that close to me again, out of fear that I’ll only end up broken hearted. It’s hard to pin point why I do it, but I know that it has to stop. It’s not healthy to lust after people who, quite frankly, probably don’t care about me the way I would like them to. It’s not very nice to admit this truth to myself, but in doing so I have done myself a huge favour; I’ve given myself a good enough reason to finally let go of Mr Unavailable and find someone who will feel the same way, who will open up to me and let me in. So maybe I can finally fall in love with the person for whom they are and not lust after their unavailability.