Five years of on and off dating has meant that I have picked up a lot of tips on what to do and a medical intolerance for lying. So here are my 5 common mistakes which I have very kindly tested for you over the years
1) Becoming a pen pal
I had a pen pal once. Her name was Mimi, she was German and she loved athletics like me. What Mimi failed to mention was that she was an overweight 13 year old who said she loved athletics because it was one of the few hobbies she knew in English.
There was an embarrassing incident on the exchange where we ran for a bus and, well Mimi didn’t make it. So writing incessantly doesn’t work as 1) they may be lying and b) you may not fancy them in the flesh.
So beware of those that are reluctant to meet up and prefer to wax lyrical instead. Not only are some of them con artists but others are only virtual personas. I spent weeks emailing and talking to a guy online only for him to stand me up on my birthday. He never had any intention of meeting up. The thrill was in the virtual fantasy.
2) Accepting excuses (also known as LIES)
Apparently men will lie to get out of a confrontational situation and being women we let them. So if you suspect that their excuses are lies then call them on it sooner rather than discussing it ad nauseam with your girlfriends.
But excuses and lies never really end well. Chances are they are hiding something. I had one guy who was always late to pick me up. He never arrived before 10pm. It was so constant and I began to think that it was a permanent trait kind of like his gold tooth. Turns out he had a girlfriend whom he lived with and he constantly had to wait for her to be in bed before he could come out to play.
3) Becoming friends with rejects
So many of us decide that whilst he isn’t good enough to date he’ll do as a friend. I’ve stopped collecting male friends. Remember that they block your play when you’re out with them as everyone assumes you’re dating
With one guy I realised immediately that he had lied about nearly everything. I should have kindly paid my half of the bill and moved on. But no, I am now subjected to being his counsellor on all of his disastrous dates and the occasional suggestion that we Skype late at night. So stop offering friendship as an alternative to your body. It really is just prolonging the inevitable no.
4) Losing your identity
Years ago before I met my ex I used to have a life. I played sport and I would slip away to a daytime movie show as a treat for being fabulous. Then suddenly my hobbies lost importance whilst he still kept up with the amateur football league and I became head cheer leader / water carrier. He ran marathons and I woke up (relatively) early and met him at the finish.
So do not give up on you hobbies. He never will. Besides, it’s good to have something new to talk about aside from the relationship. You don’t want to be known as the one who lost it because you became the boring one.
5) Non communication
Ok so I didn’t say nag and I don’t think it’s fair to lay out your wedding plans on any date before he’s moved in but try to tell him what you want.
Despite the tendency for men to tell us what they think we want to hear they can’t help but drop hints about their true intentions and character quite early on. If he doesn’t like certain places, foods, friends he will articulate it. We don’t. Then we are shocked when we receive an exercise step for our birthday and not the DVD player we had hinted at? (Apparently I had mumbled something about getting fit once whilst watching TV?)
Learn what you like and how to ask for it. Men are notoriously bad at guessing. And learn to say no. Camping is something I will never do and it’s important that he knows that no matter how hot he is that will never ever happen.
So there you go. The 5 mistakes that I’ve made and you should avoid to a happier dating. Now go forth and find a mate!!
Written by @ChelseaBlack
Chelsea Black is a full time writer and entrepreneur. A self -confessed recovering serial dater, she is currently working on her first book, first baby and finding a second husband. When she is relaxing she can be found reading romances, sneaking off to the cinema or trying to negotiate a cocktail break. In the Chelsea hood chocolate and cocktails are food groups.